My Light
by Yuriku
Summary: Tittle tells it all. Or maybe not..?


**Ok so I wrote this while listening to two songs that inspired me heck a. " ****The Last Words You Said - Sarah Brightman & Nightwish - While your lips are still red" they are also lyrics I used in this fic a bit later. Some basic info so you wont get totally lost while reading this. Alec was captured by Camille in the end when Magnus broke up with him and walked away. With some warlocks help Camille made Alec believe that Magnus was killed - just near where he was so it was all his fault. Camille asked that warlock to made fake tomb stone - to break Alec even more so he believed what she said. He was captured for a long - while watching how all his family falls apart... In the end he killed Camille and warlock that helped her - there was no Mauryn or whatever you spell that young vampire that originally killed Camille so since Camille had turned Alec into vamp he was leader of vampires clan - Alec could never find Magnus even when Magnus was truly alive - it was because Magnus left spot as being High Warlock and blended into mundanes life even. So Alec went into darkness - he never really did anything like shadowhunter nor mundane - he kept walking around in night time even when he could walk in sun ( P: ) so that way Magnus never found him and Magnus thought he was dead ... So yea got basic info? So for now enjoy! :)**

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Magnus was sitting on the steps of Institute, even when it was more than hundreds years...

He still came here - he still kept helping Lightwoods without charging them, there was times when they would ask him why – why he was doing this – why he was helping after all they were two different species not meant to be together and have any kind of friendly or... more painfully love relationships – love …

Magnus knew two different species they were never meant to be together – he felt its consequences with his own skin – his old and shattered heart still ached towards. Him. Still hurt more than anything in his life – Magnus knew his heart is never going to be happy or a little bit at least happy again in his long and continuing existence...

He was going forever be alone with his pain and hatred towards himself – it was his fault, that Him was gone now – he never listened to his heart instead he followed stupid rules and kept pretending everything will be fine.

Nothing is ever going to be fine... not any more.

Sometimes Magnus would mistake Him with other Lightwood, there was times he thought he saw Him and his heart would beat painfully in his chest – trying to reach to Him and feel His love and touch – His lips and breath – see His adorable blush – hear His beautiful angelic voice, but person Magnus thought was Him would turn around and Magnus would meet different eyes – not his baby blues.

Not eyes he longed to see – eyes he dreamed – eyes he wept over – broke over.

Then Magnus would break even more apart inside, from shinning warlock he turned to sad and lonely. There was no sparks in his eyes that were before – smile never reached his eyes – happiness never reached his heart.

Magnus world was dark and grey without light to shine and show path to happiness once again... Light... Magnus Light was lost because of his morals his rules, Magnus knew now he should have broken all rules to be with Him forever and ever as long there was Him Magnus would never cared about rules – as long he was with Him...

Magnus felt salty tears running down his cheeks, but he was to tired to lift his hand and wipe them away. He knew people would look weirdly at him... Probably they thought he was some teenager boy that hated his life because parents didn't buy him something he wanted...

But Magnus was old – even when he was stuck in this... paradise when everything fades and he is left alone...

Just the way he was today he would be next day – next year – next century and so on – he would be forever stuck in this little grey world without a way out... He wanted more than anything to be with Him again, but he knew he lost his chance...

He let in be taken away from him.. Magnus would do anything to be with Him once again... He would sacrifice everything he knew he would. He would do anything to at least be able to hold Him once again and feel like everything is fine. Magnus wanted Him his Light his reason to live...

Magnus wanted once again to feel like tomorrow would be better day – instead he was waking up every morning feeling like world was turned into darker place even more... He wanted to take last step and fade away...

He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up – dreams of Him were so painful and at same time so sweet.. and happy. Magnus wanted to sleep and be with Him even when he knew it was memories.. Memories … that was all was left to him... After so long his memories of Him never faded like other did.

Oh how much Magnus wanted to hear His voice once again, how much he wanted to feel His lips and feel Him hugging him close – locking into tight embrace. Magnus wanted to feel His warmth that once showed him happiness in life.

Magnus was to tired to live … to wake up every day knowing His Light was gone – somewhere he was never going be able to go.. Magnus wished at least there was place where he could be with His Light in some way – even without feeling his touch Magnus could at least pretend His Light was lying beside him – even when cold grass would tell him otherwise, Magnus would never care – he would pretend he was with Him.

But there was no place – when His Light was taken away it was taken away... without any chance getting Him back.

Magnus felt like his heart beats were getting slower like even his heart knew there was no need for it to beat – since there was no one he could go to...

Everything was taken away from him..

Not even his Light, he watched how others died... He watched how Golden Boy died because he was to tired to live and face a fact that his Partner was gone with his Red haired love. Magnus watched how Golden Boy turned his back to everyone and slowly disappeared in himself.

Magnus watched how Long Black Haired girl disappeared also, she was to tired to face the fact that all her family was shattered her Listener was gone her young Manga boy was also gone just broken soldier left behind – broken as she felt – she was to broken to be fixed...

Magnus watched how once always smiling Glasses boy disappeared also – he never smiled again – he was to tired to take breaths he did no longer need. His Best Friend his Black Haired Girlfriend were gone, he left everything one night and went somewhere – nobody knew where. Nobody ever saw him again, even his little white ball of fur was six feet underground resting with rest of people Magnus once knew...

Magnus was only one left – like always he stayed behind even when he wanted to follow people he finally called his friends and family. He wanted to reach his Light and hold him tight. Hold Him close. Bury his face in His raven hair – inhale his scent and feel like he was finally home.. where he belonged..., but Magnus let everything be taken away from him.. he let his Light to fade without a way getting it back...

Once a happy love and happy tears now were tragic love and broken tears – tears of his soul itself, Magnus knew it was his fault... He let it happen...

Magnus wanted to end it all. It was so tempting.. to let himself slip into oblivion.

For once close his eyes forever and rest in piece forever and ever while he dreamed of Him, but he knew he could not he promised Them even when his Light was already gone, he promised Them he would live and hang on – he would protect next generation and not let tragic to be repeated again...

But he could no longer carry his promise, he was to old and tired. His heart was to shattered and broken...

He kept dreaming terrible night when Black Haired girl told him his Light was gone, without any words his Light was dragged somewhere nobody could reach. He remembered how Black Haired girl told him how his Light was gone, just one day after he left his Light alone in tunnel where he should have stayed and protected his Light with all his strength.

He remembered how Black Haired girl told him there was only blood and shattered bond left – how Golden Boy found his Red Haired love lying in her own pool of blood like broken angel in cruel world...

How Golden Boy was never same and how Black Haired girl was never same – how they never found his Light and let his Light to rest in piece somewhere he could be with his Light even when it would be cold grass underneath him.

Magnus remembered how he held Their hands before last breath left Their lips – while promising he would live and protect even when everything he wanted to protect was taken from him – Magnus slowly stood up and walked down street without looking at anyone nor anything he was lost in his own thoughts...

He was to tired to do anything to breath – to take a step – to move his head – to lift his hand and wipe tears that never stopped running down his cheeks... He slowly opened door of his once place called home now it was only painful place where he spent his days – he knew he should have changed something in all these years, but he was to tired and to broken to do anything... He let it be the way it was one day before his Light was taken away from him.

There were still pictures hanging on walls of him and His Light – holding each other – smiling – kissing... being happy and in love. There were still His clothes in wardrobe His jacket was still draped across chair as it was that day – like it was waiting to be picked again. Like it was waiting for person – Magnus knew would never come back... Even when there was a light layer of dust on everything it held life Magnus once had – it held life Magnus had lost...

He slowly took down one particular picture where he and His Light were kissing with Eiffel tower in background they were so happy – there was sparks in Magnus eyes - eyes that once could not wait to be opened and see Him.

He held it close to his chest – even when it was only picture Magnus wanted at least pretend His Light was with him... Magnus knew he was going to join His Light today – even when he knew he could never be in place where His Light was.

He was to tired to think that way...

He took small bottle that was on table – bottle that he wanted to empty so many times before, but now he was to broken to keep promise he made so long ago.

Without glancing back he walked towards door – he knew he was never going to see this place again – never open this door again – never.. never … never...

Today was day he was going to slip into oblivion and stay in dreams – memories – that were so painful and at same time sweet without opening his eyes ever again... but still he whispered in broken voice a spell – nobody could ever enter or destroy place he once called home only his Light could, but Magnus knew his Light was gone so he did it – because in a way Magnus wanted to make it tomb that held happy memories and happy moments that were taken away from him.. In a way Magnus hoped that this tomb at least would connect him to his Light in some way..

Magnus wanted to close his eyes once again, but he knew he could not... because he knew if he closed his eyes he would be to tired to open them again, he knew he had to keep a little strong just not for long – he needed to keep his legs moving till he reached place where his Light first time told him how much he loved him and first time kissed him without any hint of confusion.

He would close his eyes there while holding picture of happiness and His Light once he had.

He walked faster – he wanted to reach his Light in a way faster and slip into oblivion he wished for so long... Magnus never noticed how he silently started to sing while walking towards his end...

_Somewhere in time I know,_  
_Darling you'll come back to me._  
_Roses will bloom again,_  
_But Spring feels like eternity._  
_In your kiss it wasn't goodbye._  
_You are still the reason why._

_I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,_  
_My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon._  
_I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly._  
_"I love you, I am sorry... I love you so much..Please forgive me"_  
_Were the last words you said to me._

_And when the morning comes,_  
_My hands still reach out for you._  
_Some things remain the same,_  
_There is nothing I can do._  
_I can barely get through the day_  
_Ever since you went away._

_I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,_  
_My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon._  
_I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly._  
_"I love you, I am sorry... I love you so much..Please forgive me"_  
_Were your last words to me..._

_Heaven help us cross this endless sea_  
_With starlight above to guide you to me._  
_Waves crashing on distant shores,_  
_They're calling our names forever more._

_And I still hear you whispering in the silence of my room,_  
_My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon._  
_I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly._  
_"I love you, I am sorry... I love you so much..Please forgive me"_  
_Were the last words you said to me._

I searched for My Light for so long... I wish He was here with me – I could not believe what Camille told me when she capture me.. I could not believe that My Light was gone – he was strong..

He was one thing I could always rely always talk to.. even when I did mistake I should never have... I wish I could tell Him how much I loved Him. I wish Camille was wrong... I wish I never let Him get hurt.. Camille told me it was my fault.. She told me He was gone because I let Him follow me down tunnel.. I let Him get hurt while He walked away – I never followed Him.. I let Him walk away.. and now He was gone... Camille told me how Sebastian and His Father killed Him while I was just couple of meters away.. I wish it was not true, but I knew it was true...

I spent years and years searching for my Light. I never found Him.

I never wanted to believe that He was gone … I was the one who should be gone... But I was stuck in paradise all alone... I felt bond shatter – I watched all my family being buried. I was held in room while chained to wall I screamed and cried for them to end my life, they never listened. Camille laughed at me told me how it was all my fault..

And I know it was my fault I let people I loved get hurt the way nobody should ever get hurt...

I let Him get hurt – I watched how Camille showed me how He was being buried beside people I cared – I watched how He was being put in ground where He would rest and where I would never be able to go...

I watched how my sister let blade kiss her skin – I watched how my parabatai disappeared slowly inside himself how he faded away – I watched how Clary I started to call friend was found in same tunnel as I was in her own puddle of blood …

She followed me because she was worried about my. It was all my fault... People I loved were taken away from me – because I was to stupid and selfish I wish I could end it all – but I was to scared once again – I wanted not to believe that My Light was gone – I kept searching for Him for so long...

Until I lost all hope – even when I knew where He rested I still kept looking for Him. This was not meant to happen.. I wish I could end it all.

I am stuck as creature I never wanted to by... I am stuck as vampire I hated to be.

I am stuck as leader of vampires because I killed Camille and other warlock.

I killed them when I probably lost all sanity I had... before she died she told me to promise to look after vampires, because if not they would kill all Lightwoods that would come – I promised, because I did not want anyone else get hurt.

Promise. I am to tired to keep...

That is why I am taking steps to place I once called home and spent happiest moments in my life that I let be taken away from me...

I still wear shiny key around my neck hoping it was all just bad dream I would wake up from.. I take breath I don't need to take any more.

I wish I could be with my Light... I slowly open door and take unsure step inside – hoping he was there – hoping that Camille lied – I still hold this hope even when I am already lost – I need my Light. He was Light in my life.. without him I cant live I cant face every single new day – it feels like it is darker than it was before.

My Light left me because of me. I let Him be taken away..

Now I am all alone stuck in world without Light in the end. I am lost. I am broken. I am lonely. And I am mad at myself there is days I..I just wanted to take small dagger I carry with my that has runes on it that would kill me instantly, but then I see someone that might look like my dead and long gone sister or my brother or parabatai and I know I have a promise to keep...

Why did all happiness and happy tears turn into tragic love and tears I could no longer cry...

I tried to keep promise for so long – but I cant any more without my Light I am already gone..

I wonder if I can see Him when I take last step if I can be with Him where He is now.. I hope I can. I need to feel His arms around me – His sweet lips kissing mine – His lovely voice telling me He forgives me... I need Him so much. I feel like my already frozen heart is still arching towards Him even when He is gone...

Sometimes I lie down on cold ground where He rests and pretend He is near me even when I know He is not.

I still pretend... I need Him so much – I need my Light to face next day.

I am to tired... I cant keep this promise any more. I wish I could cry, but I cant. I wish I could scream, but my voice is to weak. I wish I could see Him, but I know I cant...

I know he is not in place that once I called home.. it is all same. My jacket is still draped on chair I threw day before I took all happiness away.

Day before I hurt everyone I loved.

Day before I let Him get hurt..

In a way I wished for things in this place to be different it would make me hope He is fine somewhere hope He is out there somewhere...

Hope.. but it was all crushed down... place I once called home is just the way we left before I did hurt everyone I loved...

I look around and see pictures still hanging on walls of Him and me kissing – smiling – hugging. Being happy in love. I slowly walk and look at them – I feel like part of my soul is leaving me.

I took one picture down it is me and Him happily smiling at camera. There is sparks in my eyes that I no longer have. I hold it close to my chest even when I know it is only picture I pretend it is Him.

I wish I could cry... I feel like my frozen heart might die once again even when it is already dead.

I take last step and I an out of the place I called once home – I don't turn back, because I know He is not there and never will.

I know I will never return. I want to take blade and sink it in my skin, but I know I cant I know I need to be strong for a little bit longer, till I reach place where I first time kissed him knowing that I really love him. Where I told how much I love him. I will take my final rest there – holding picture close to my and imagining it was him.. Imagining he was with me.

I draw small rune on front door. It will keep people away – and it wont let anyone this place. Only Him, but I know now He is truly gone.

In a way I feel like making it like tomb that holds happy life once I had, but destroyed. I in some way hope it will help me find Him.

I start walking fast I did not notice how I start run. Towards place where I could finally be with him in a way...

* * *

I still hold picture close to my and hold bottle in other hand. I never noticed that I am already at place where My Light first time kissed me with all His love and I knew He loved me. It is lovely place – I can see all city below me and sky that is dark and sad like me in front of the as far I can see. I wonder if I will be able to join My Light and be with Him... I open bottle.

* * *

I never noticed I reached my destination it is so beautiful. I can see city below me and dark sky and sad sky like me as far I can see. I wonder if I will be able to be with my Light again... I clutch picture closer to my chest like I want to get it in my and imagine my Light is with me.

* * *

I know I will be in my sweet oblivion soon with my Light even when it will be only memories at least I will never need to open my eyes again. At least I will be able to be with my Light in my dreams...

* * *

I wonder if I will be with My Light when I take last step... At least there will be dreams I will not need any more to wake up – My Light will be with me at least there even when it is only dreams...

I am ready to take last step, but before that I feel like singing I know probably I am going mad , but I hope my Light will hear me and wait for me...

I open my mouth and let all emotions pour in lyrics I never knew I just keep singing - I hope He can hear..

* * *

I am ready to take a sip, but I hear lovely voice, it sounds familiar. I don't even notice my feet moving

* * *

_Sweet little words made for silence_

_Not talk  
Young heart for love  
Not heartache  
Dark hair for catching the wind  
Not to veil the sight of a cold world_

_Kiss while your lips are still red  
While he's still silent  
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled  
Hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool  
Drown into eyes while they're still blind  
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn_

_First day of love never comes back  
A passionate hour's never a wasted one  
The violin, the poet's hand,  
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care_

_Kiss while your lips are still red  
While he's still silent  
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled  
Hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool  
Drown into eyes while they're still blind  
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn_

* * *

No, it cant be I swear it is His voice, but he should not be there. I know my mind is playing trick to my, but I don't care I keep following voice I kept imagining all these years.. I run down and I see him..

No it cant be.

I feel my heart start beat faster like it knows it is Him. Like it is reaching towards Him. I know I am probably mad but I still feel myself saying with shaky voice.

"Alec..?"

* * *

I finish singing and I am ready to take last step, but I hear Him. I hear Him saying my name... No it cant be true.. He is gone. But it feels like my frozen heart is arching for Him like it knows it is Him. I turn around without thinking.. I cant believe it is Him. Standing there. I take gulp of air I don't need to take any more. I cant believe... He is there my Light is there... I know I am going mad, but I cant stop myself saying His name I longed for so long and searched for so long.

"Magnus..?"

* * *

I hear his voice it is him. It is My Light, I don't notice how I drop bottle and it smashes into ground spilling liquid I wanted to take. I don't notice how I start to run towards My Love, My Life, My Light, My Alec.

* * *

I do not notice how I drop blade I was so tempted to use. I do not notice how I start to run towards My Life, My Love, My Light, My Magnus.

* * *

Alec catches my first and holds me so close – I feel like my bones might break, but I don't care. I don't care how cold he is – for me it is Alec I dreamed and longed so long. I hold him closer. I cling him for dear life. I lift my head and he bends his - his lips touch mine – I feel like it is to good to be real but I heard him say...

* * *

"Magnus I love, I I love, Magnus, Maggie I love you so much, I love YOU... I I love you p=please forgive me I love y=you so much..."

* * *

I hold him closer and tell words I longed to tell for so long.

"Alec, my darling I love you so so much, A-Alec God I love you so much please f-forgive me.. Alec I love you so so so much..."

We both hold each other just tighter.

* * *

I hear him say.

"Magnus p=please don't leave me ever again I love you please.. p=please don't leave me. You are M=my Light"

* * *

"Alec, dear I love you so so much I wont ever leave you a-again I love you, darling you are My L-light"

* * *

In the end no matter how dark and grey world was both of them they found Light in the end. They found each others Light.

Sun shone through sky that not long ago was dark . It was like rest of people they lost finally found piece and happiness where they were because two people they cared finally found each other.

Found their meaning in life once again.

Magnus and Alec never noticed how 4 figures walked away with smiles on their faces and disappeared with glow of light.

Magnus found His Light again.

Alec found His Light again.

And nothing was going to tear them apart again.

* * *

**Hope you liked this guys :) It made me cry while I was writing it - dammit. Well R/R if you feel like it and till next time! **

**xoxxo  
**


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